A Landman Walks into a Crawfish Boil…

Estimated reading time: 8 minutes

Making Plans

We stayed with LandmanWife’s cousin for the weekend, he’s apparently a lurker on #EFT but kept asking, “what the hell is this thing you’re taking me to?” The wives raised a very valid point that me and LW’s cousin have an impressive track record when it comes to getting kicked out of restaurants after crawfish boils (3-0) so Friday night was designated for El Tiempo. While we had dinner at 5:30pm (they have a 16 month old, and I now identify as a 70 year old man) I was texting with @ClintBarnette about logistic plans for transportation to and from the Crawfish Boil. He had very generously offered to have his wife come pick us up in Richmond if we could get him out there. That was amazing and saved us from dealing with this. With an 11am start time, brunch seemed like a logical place to start the day on Saturday. As we discussed our plans, the wives got jealous so we quickly included them in our plans (LandmanWife was absolutely invited to the party, she said “no thanks, you go have fun with all of your Twitter friends”). Tiny’s No. 5, 9am. We had a plan.

Saturday morning started early, their 16 month old knew it was going to be a big day so the dance party started promptly at 6:11am. Fuck it, we usually wake up by 6:30 anyways. Cuz and I got showered and dressed, waiting on the wives as usual. Might as well have a mimosa to start the day. Can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning! Once we got to Tiny’s, I was amazed that there was no line and Clint got there a few minutes later. Brunch and more mimosas were done by 10am, far earlier than expected. Might as well head out to Richmond and see what Chuck was up to…

Starting the Party

We showed up a bit before 11am, people were running around setting things up, nobody seemed to notice as we wandered behind the bar to get a couple of beers. Nobody told us that the Shiners were reserved for the notorious no-show Kermit, who has yet to have beers with any of the Landbros despite posting about being in San Antonio on multiple occasions. Chuck was chatting with a Richmond Police Officer, so we walked to the crawfish tent to meet BRV and @Chasing_Value, I felt like I was moving in slow motion, stuck in the haze between a drunk night/early morning and another impending drunk day.

BRV was busy so I started chatting with another dude rocking a slick pair of sneaks. The Shiner wasn’t doing it for me so I suggested a move to the bar in search of something more potent. That’s when Mr. Slick Sneaks introduced himself as Oil Gonif, he ventured back to the bar with us where we found a bar girl trying to set up. In retrospect, I can absolutely understand the confusion when I ordered 3 “ranch waters” and she said, “what flavor?” That’s not a question bartenders usually ask me, so when I replied, “I think there’s only one…” She handed us some Karbach Ranch Waters. Those aren’t terrible, but I was eyeing the bottles of tequila sitting on top of the bar. Once we clarified what we wanted, she said she’d mix one and let us try it…

When Life Gives You Lemons

Gonif was first up as the guinea pig, he took a sip..said “yeah, ok, that’s good…but there’s something…off about this. I taste, vanilla? Something sweet, and it doesn’t taste much like a Ranch Water, but whatever I’ll drink it anyways.” Bar chick laughed and said she had accidentally put lemon juice instead of lime juice. Okayyyyy. She then proceeded to mix me the exact same drink, also with lemon juice. Y tho? Apparently everyone was in the same fog. Whatever, I smiled an accepted my vanilla lemon tequila on the rocks. LandmanWife’s cousin managed to get the first actual ranch water, and after ordering two more shots of tequila, he pointed out that the vanilla flavor was unfortunately in the alcohol, not something added after. Oh well. This was about the time that Sir Loin walked up and introduced himself. For some reason I thought he was joking when he said “FracSlap got his pound.” The guy is chill AF, so in retrospect…yeah, makes sense.

The Tequila Train

I wanted to check out Chuck’s place before @RealPETE2020 and lil fracslap destroyed the place so Cuz and we walked around inside for a minute. We encountered Big Cheese who spotted a lady wearing an extremely overpriced “I’M AN OILMAN” hat ($50, seriously). He asked if she got it from SIPES, and when she said yes, he looked over to me and said “Yeah, SIPES is coming for you. You’ve got competition now.” The lady was clearly confused, so I excused myself and went back outside to get another drink. This was around the time where the tequila rep (who has been fishing with LandmanWife’s cousin before, small world right?) walked by and recommended that we try the reposado and anejo tequilas. “Yeah, we’ll give it a couple of shots.” We did.

The rest of this is going to be blurry.

I had no idea that I spent 15+ minutes talking to Petra until Cuz looked down at her card and said, “Oh, you’re Petra?” I was probably boring her talking about energy coops anyways. Her hard hat needs some of our stickers though. Quite a few people probably met a boring landman because I forgot to introduce myself as LandmanLife (seems really strange to do). Corley’s brother was there too, looking like he was born to rep the OnlyRigs hat that I’m still waiting for him to post a pic of…which brings up another point, if you’ve got swag from us, especially if it was free, please post something…tag us, tell a friend, whatever. If you’re not sure how to do it, just be more like @FracSlap

At the rate Chuck is spending money on wine flexes and parties, we anticipate needing to find some new clients by 2035.

Double Premium Awkward

Things got kind of awkward when @FracSlap started talking about hiring us as consultants. I’ve got no idea what he was trying to get at, because Chuck came barging into the conversation, “Fuck that, he’s my guy Slap, lay off! Landman! DOUBLE PREMIUM!” He then handed me a giant blank check from the ChuckYatesNeedsAJob Foundation, grabbed my RollCall hat and ran off to get on stage with Lindsay Ell. I asked Collin if he could match Chuck’s offer of “double premium,” he laughed and said, “Nah man, like usual I’m just gonna be a little short on that one.” That giant check came in handy when I had to use it as bail money for RealPETE later that night. I hope Lindsay Ell kept that RollCall hat…

Math?

At some point, me and Cuz played two Aggies in corn hole. Since we didn’t bother reading the rules, we had no idea that we actually won our match when we passed 21. Tournament Rules are different from regular party rules, so we assumed we had busted and set our score back to 15. Our next turn I made 2 in the hole and started celebrating our win…before I realized that they had made 1 in the hole also. “Fuck, when did that happen?!” Apparently I was talking to someone. The next turn they got to 22 and declared victory. The 13th man was on their side, what can you do. I didn’t care, since I’m just a dumb landman and can’t count that high anyways. Whoever won that belt should probably just go ahead and send it to us for awhile so we don’t have to go through the whole adverse possession process. Obviously we would’ve run the table if the fucking math wasn’t so hard. Pretty sure this means we won the Art Berman Award…

Break a Leg

I think this was the point where I ended up telling one of the V&E guys (maybe it was Jimmy Chalk?) that for Double Premium service he should offer to break people’s legs. That was something he obviously hasn’t heard before, but hopefully he took notes. Important stuff. Really lets your clients know that you’re going the extra mile and the only place their enemies are going is to the ER. During that conversation I tweeted something about Steak eating corn, she called me a jerk, and I had to go find her to introduce myself. Everytime I had seen her she was talking to a group of people. Once I finally introduced myself, I met some of the other people that are always on Twitter Spaces with her…and I apologize that I cannot remember who exactly was there.

While I have no idea what the Nuclear Door Society is, the guys showed up wearing shirts and everything. I hope someday the Landbros can coordinate an appearance so that we can have a gang dance off like in Grease. Right before CB dragged us out of the party I met Lyndsey who started giving out hugs once I told her “I’m LandmanLife.” It was still awkward saying that, even after all the tequila/beers/ranch waters/etc. A couple other people started doxing, one guy said, “cool, we’re doxing now?!” I remember meeting Boar and chatting about working together on some cocktail glasses (we need to revisit this once the hangover subsides).

Unfortunately I missed out on meeting @MOAR_Drilling, @BuckQuivas, @losingyourmoney and @OfsExec…gonna have to catch up with you guys next time I’m in Houston though.