For the record, I hate saying shit like this. The consequences for not speaking my mind are…nonexistent, to most people, but there’re huge to me. When I don’t say something, it weighs on me. Despite the somber nature of this post, I hope anybody that reads to the end will feel at least somewhat uplifted. If you don’t, please harass the Intard for a refund. He needs some shit thrown his way every now and then…
Silence Has Been…
I haven’t had much to say the past couple of weeks…months…whatever. Things on the homefront have been my focus. Given my new perspective on life, handling the important shit has been paramount. It wasn’t an easy process to get here though.
In the summer (July) of 2022 I got sick. Just a stomach bug, no big deal. Shit happens.
I didn’t get better. After almost a week I went to the non emergency clinic and they gave me antibiotics.
I didn’t get better. After a few more days I reached out to a family friend who happens to be a gastroenterologist. I had no idea what kind of doctor I needed to talk to. He told me that I needed to get to his office to start blood work in the next 2 hours.
August..
September…
November…
December…
I lost over 1/3 of my body weight. Couldn’t even pick up my 10 month old daughter. I’ve never been so helpless in my entire life. I had hit the rock bottom below the rock bottom. My business was….gone….I was….gone.
Thank God I have a loving wife and a beautiful baby girl who gave me light when things seemed to be completely dark. Seeing pictures of myself from that time seems like I am looking at a stranger. I looked dead.
But…like my doc said, I slowly began to recover. It took a long time, but doc told me from the outset that I needed to be patient. He got me back to normal. I am stronger than I’ve ever been.
Physically, I can crush anything in my way. Mentally…I’m still struggling every day to get out of that dark place. Being stuck in a helpless situation.
That’s what I want to talk about. I don’t care if you read this post and think you’ve wasted your time, because someone might read it someday at the very moment they need some light in that dark place. Those are the people I’m reaching out to. No matter how much shit I have going on in my own life, if you need someone to talk to, just fucking call me. I’m here, and I will make time to talk.
Rest In Peace…
Today I went to a funeral service for a very good friend of mine. He was a fucking hell of a friend, the kind of guy that always had your back in a fight because he probably started it, but he would end it before you even had the chance to ask what the fuck was going on. You’d be more likely to find him chilling on the roof having a beer than hanging out in the driveway. He was one of those unstoppable forces that you can’t help but love because he wasn’t going to slow down for anyone, much less himself.
The reverend…minister…pastor…whatever (no disrespect to the cloth, I just can’t keep the titles straight) had a very fitting sermon. He spoke about how a sensitivity to other people’s suffering, and the willingness to try to help people through those trials, was a blessing and a curse. It made my dear friend susceptible to carrying the weight of others pain, to his own detriment. I suffer from that same curse, but not to the same extent. My life is more of a struggle to moderate than a complete lack of brakes because who the fuck slows down when you’re going 150mph.
My friend never had any brakes. He was all throttle. Pedal to the metal, all the damn time. Didn’t matter what we were dealing with, he was in and committed and 120% Ready to throw gas on a fire. I never really tried to stop him because he was a force of nature. If he wasn’t asking you a question, he didn’t need your opinion. We couldn’t ever pump the brakes for him. I’m raising a glass to him right now.
When I think about that, and contrary to popular belief, landmen do think about…things…I can’t help but remember back in 2010 when another good friend of mine passed away. He was the first close friend I’d had who died. It was a shock, to say the least. The news literally stopped me in my tracks. I was on my way up to Pennsylvania to take a job working as a landman. Somewhere in Ohio I sat on the side of the road crying.
The WEight
A few hours later I was at the hotel in some shit town in Pennsylvania, intending to start my landman career. Before I actually checked in, I walked back outside and called my broker (the landman who set up our contract with the client and was paying us to be up there, for a cut of our day rate). I told him what had happened and that I would be starting the job a week later because I had shit to attend to back home. He understood.
As I drove to Pittsburgh to get a flight home, I talked to my friends father. He had been a rock of confidence and the smell of his cigar smoke had always let us know he was near for the past 10 years that I’d known his son. Despite the shit situation, his voice never wavered as he asked, more told, me that he needed me to get all of our friends to come support them…and he needed me to be a pallbearer to support his son. I had been to funerals for family members before, but nothing could prepare me for that.
That casket was the heaviest thing I have and will ever lift for the rest of my life. Most of our friends were there to support the family, but they didn’t have to carry that same weight. I’d love to never be in that situation again, but life doesn’t work that way. The moments we have together are precious even if they seem mundane. You might not have that moment again tomorrow, so appreciate it right now. Let’s be friends in the present because we can’t predict the future. Nobody can bear the weight of the world on their own. Share the burden. We’ll end up stronger together.
The Connections
As I was checking the LandmanLife mailbox a few weeks ago I met a young(er) guy who asked me if I was one of the LandmanLife guys. I didn’t know how to respond but to introduce myself. Then I asked how he recognized me and he said “well you’re wearing a LandmanLife hat…and you look like the LandmanLife guy.” We had a couple of beers to get to know each other a few days later. That’s the kind of shit that LandmanLife is all about.
I have no idea how many bridges I have burned as a result of the things I’ve done or said on LandmanLife, but I don’t care. The friendships and adventures have been worth it. Thank you all for being part of this wild ride on The Roadtrip to Nowhere. It’s been an amazing journey with no destination but I’m honing my vision and will hopefully have something worthwhile to be a part of in the future.
