Watch What You Say When You’re Talkin in the Boys Room

A couple of weeks back an old landman buddy of mine reached out and said he was going to be in town sometime in the next couple of weeks. He wanted to get together for brunch…I thought that was odd, since we’re not necessarily the brunch types. Regardless, he had something he wanted to talk to me about so I agreed to meet him.

We met at 10:30 this morning and had a couple of beers catching up. After we got the usual bullshit out of the way and moved on to what he wanted to talk to me about, a few more beers and we were back to bullshitting again. That’s when he told me an entertaining story about a mishap in the boys room at a wedding a few months back…

“So do you know this guy, __________?” (redacted because I don’t remember the name)

“No, I’ve never heard of him.”

“Ok, well anyways, he and his wife had a wedding shower for a friend of ours at their house awhile back. And he’s a war collector…”

“A war…what?”

“A collector of old war memorabilia. Anyways, he has this huge collection on display at his giant mansion of a house. So we are walking through checking everything out, and I get to this Nazi knife. So I have to ask…’hey, what’s the story behind this knife?’

The guy replies, ‘oh that was a gift from a friend of mine so I put it on display because they would notice if it wasn’t out in the collection.’ Yeah ok, whatever. I’m not judging.”

My buddy continued, “so a few weeks later at the wedding, this guy is sitting at our table. First off, I was hammered. Like, shitfaced. So I started talking up the art collection that an artist friend of mine had created, and was thinking I could get a commission on something…I showed him a few pieces and he seemed really interested.

So then I headed off to the boys room, stopping to talk to a few people on the way. While I was taking a piss I was talking to a buddy of mine standing at the urinal next to me. I was kind of swaying a bit from being hammered, laughing to myself about selling a painting at a wedding.

“Hey man, remember that Nazi guy who had the party a few weeks ago? I think I’m going to sell him a painting…” then I heard a toilet flush from one of the stalls, and as I watched in the mirror above the urinals directly in front of me, sure enough…that guy walks out. Dead silence. He washes his hands and walks out.

My buddy at the urinal next to me died laughing (and probably pissed all over himself he was laughing so hard) as he said ‘HAHAHAHA…yeah good luck with that sale man!’ He slapped me on the shoulder and walked out of the boys room.

I looked over at my buddy and between laughs said, “holy shit, what did you do next?!”

He chuckled and replied, “I did the only thing you can in that situation…I went and sat down at another table and avoided the guy for the rest of the night. I mean…I called the guy a fucking Nazi. Can’t come back from that.”

Facebook…We Have a Problem

Houston, we have a problem…for all of the fans, followers, cohorts, minions, soldiers, warm bodies, etc that have liked or visit our Facebook Page, we officially have no control over its content anymore. I am not sure how long my ability to push stories onto the page will last now that I have contacted Facebook about the issue. As usual, there is a story behind all of the drama here. Let’s break things down.

LandmanLife is a brand, a lifestyle, a story, a road trip to nowhere, and a pseudonym all wrapped up in a big drunk satirical bow. I’m not sure what brought you all here but obviously there is a reason. Facebook is a huge problem in our society, but it is also the biggest platform for advertising or spreading a message (whether it’s fake news or not).

I do not have a personal Facebook account. People used to think that was really strange, but in the past two years it’s getting fewer reactions when I say “No, I’m not on Facebook…” Honestly it seems to be older adults that have the hardest time believing that I am not on Facebook, because their experience with Facebook started after literally EVERYONE else had been allowed onto the platform for years.

The Beginning on TheFacebook

When I was a freshman in college I remember someone saying, “hey, did you hear we got a Facebook?!” I had no clue what the guy was talking about at the time, but that was back when it was TheFacebook, and schools were added one at a time. When I joined, it was a free for all and you could post or delete anything on someone else’s wall. Things got out of control, fast. A few years later it had evolved, I had grown up, and before my senior year I decided that Facebook wasn’t for me anymore.

Maybe it was the photos that friends kept posting and tagging me in. Not cool to post a pic of me passed out on the couch…or worse. Regardless, quitting Facebook was STRANGE to most people back then. I kept saying I was worried about the real world implications of having all that stupid shit on the internet, tagged to MY NAME. I joined Twitter, and was careful to keep things PG-13. After a few months I didn’t even think about Facebook anymore.

After a couple of years working, I continued to run into people that I had no other way of keeping up with besides Facebook. So I joined again. I turned off all my notifications to keep things low key. After a few weeks of keeping my privacy settings as strict as possible, they had a huge data breach. That concerned me but all of the old pictures and other bullshit from college was hopefully already gone, and I didn’t use Facebook Messenger for anything illicit. Regardless, my problems with Facebook were not just the privacy (or lack thereof).

My mother got SO upset when I did not respond to her friend request within 3 days. I continually had friends that said “hey man you missed my party.” To which I would respond that I had not gotten an invite, so therefor I did not know about it and couldn’t possibly have shown up. “I sent you an invite on Facebook!” WTF. That’s not an invite, and since I didn’t get notifications…whatever. That got me ready to quit again, but this time I had a business that I wanted to promote on Facebook. In order to do that I had to have a personal account associated with it.

LandmanLife joins Facebook

That’s where the trouble began. Setting up my business page got me thinking…maybe LandmanLife should be on Facebook too. Why not? This was still back in a time where people routinely changed their names on Facebook, so what was the problem with setting up a fake account? I didn’t see anything wrong with it, I didn’t want it associated with my personal account, and Facebook didn’t specifically prohibit it at the time. About 20 minutes later, I was up and running at like a BOSS.

You all know that I took a few years off after I nuked the site on accident. Never occurred to me that the fake Facebook account I had set up would be an issue. I still had the login, and the email address was still valid. A couple of weeks ago when I had set the site back up, I tried to log into the Facebook account that was the creator and ONLY admin of the LandmanLife page. “This account has been disabled by Facebook. If you think this is an error, you can get more information here…” Typical.

Going down that rabbit hole gives me just one option. Provide a valid government ID accompanied with a credit card/utility bill proving to Facebook that I am a legit person. WHAT?!? Who the fuck do they think they are? We don’t even require that kind of proof to VOTE FOR PRESIDENT. Maybe this is what happened, because they deemed LandmanLife to be a “high potential reach” Page and sent a verification request that I never responded to. I’m tempted to create some fake documents, wouldn’t that just be perpetuating the legend of LandmanLife? Instead, I tried to contact Facebook about regaining control of the page. There is no way to actually contact them.

A Ship Without a Rudder

I wasn’t hacked, and even if I was, their solution is to follow a step by step guide of how to secure your account. My intellectual property wasn’t stollen, and regardless, I don’t have a registered trademark (try to steal my shit and you’ll find out how many attorneys I have on retainer specifically because of this website…thanks, Mr. TitleNazi). So what is my recourse? I fucking tweeted Facebook. A response is not expected.

I have no way of directly controlling the posts on the Facebook Page anymore. When I set up the site again, I was really surprised that WordPress had saved the API keys to push posts to the Facebook Page. I was even MORE surprised that it worked. That’s how you can see this post on the Facebook Page. Since I have tried numerous times to make Facebook aware of this issue, I do not know if they will end up shutting down the page. Fuck Facebook anyways. If you’re a fan, please subscribe to the blog on our page or find another platform to follow us on.